I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.

The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.

I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."