Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

I've always been somebody that it takes me longer to learn things, but once I learn them... I'm like a quarterback that plays best in the fourth quarter.