I lived across from a Catholic church for 15 years that I never went into. And then I got married to my wife and - you know, and now we're going in there every other day baptizing a kid.

I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they’re attractive, you think, ‘Oh, they’re nice,’ but if a stranger’s ugly, you’re like, ‘What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.