I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.

I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’