Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.

I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy"... My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family." Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.