I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?

We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I guess we should do this for the old man, too." Father Day's is weird. It's like celebrating Darth Vader's birthday. It's odd I think. Even the gifts we give dads. Like neckties, which are just like a silk noose. Or books. Would you ever want someone from another generation to give you a book?

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

I personally have no interest in being a star or a celebrity. I want my stand-up comedy and how I think as a comedian to be recognized and successful.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.