Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.