New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to be able to do that. But I've been lucky [to have big family].

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.