There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

I wish, in some ways, I was the type of comedian who could do something blistering and topical, but I'm the guy who gets stuck in the revolving door and thinks I should write about that.

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.