You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.