You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!