Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
Jim GaffiganI need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.
Jim GaffiganOnce you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!
Jim GaffiganWhen people look and decide they have nothing in common with me - I'm 43, balding, blond, whatever - there's something absolutely invigorating about winning them over. Even if it's eight people from Sweden who don't understand what I'm talking about.
Jim Gaffigan