Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.

It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.