Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

Be more assertive with what you want to do.

I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

You ever mix two different groups of friends? That can be stressful. You always feel like you have to prep 'em. You're like, "These people over here, uh, they don't think I drink. And don't be thrown by my British accent."