Here's the thing about people who believe in god... They're idiots.

I've never been the type of guy that had a lot of friends or was part of the cool group.

Nobody cares that you're smart and nobody cares that your kids don't have bruises.

Stand-up is just me trying to be as funny as possible in the most concentrated hour with me standing on stage with no storyline, no plot line, and no character development.

The thing about crazy people; they don't know they are crazy, that's what make them crazy.

I don't write my standup on paper or anything; but I just organically do it on stage, have an idea, chat it up a little bit. I'm keeping notes. I'm trying to keep up with this world and try to bring out a special every year.

I'm not scared of dying, because I'm an atheist. I won't even know I'm dead. You know why? Because I'll be fùckin' dead.