Thank you hard taco shells for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.

Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans said, 'Good!'

Rachel Dolezal stepped down from her position as president of an NAACP chapter after it was revealed that she was a white woman pretending to be black. Now her brother says he knew about it but she asked him not to blow her cover. Unfortunately, her cover had already been blown by God when he made her a blond-haired, blue-eyed white lady.

I'd be nothing without my wife. She's the coolest. She's the greatest. She is the smartest. She's the funniest. I love her so much. She's like the - it's like your best friend for the rest of your life.

Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.