The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would've said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.

Today Carly Fiorina announced that she is running for president. Someone else bought 'CarlyFiorina.org' and posted 30,000 sad emoticons to represent all the people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard. I haven't seen that many sad, blank faces in one place since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight.

Thank you... fat dude with giant headphones on the subway, for looking like what would've happened if Jabba the Hutt mated with Princess Leia.

During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, 'The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.' Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, 'No it's not.'

I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle.

[Writing a joke] there is no team of writers. It's just you in an office, staring at yourself in the mirror.

There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.