The heroic New York doctor who caught Ebola has been declared Ebola free. President Obama called the doctor to thank him for his selflessness and compassion. Then to be safe, Obama threw his phone in a trash can and lit it on fire.

A group called Draft Biden 2016 has started selling bumper stickers that say 'I'm ridin' with Biden.' It's a lot better than the other one that women around the White House have started using - 'I'm hidin' from Biden.'

Thank you... 'Real Housewives of Atlanta,' for demonstrating a universal truth: Idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be in my TiVo.

Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.

I wanted to be the next Dana Carvey. This was my ultimate goal. If I ever cut into a birthday cake and made a wish, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I threw a coin into a fountain, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I saw a shooting star, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.'

There's a growing trend of older Americans who are using marijuana in their retirement. That makes sense because old people are always talking about their joints.

You run on the treadmill. But you need to stop watching The Food Network when you're doing it. That is how you torture yourself.