Thank you, horseradish, for being neither a radish nor a horse. What you are is a liar food.

When I was a kid, you would tune in to "The Tonight Show" before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it's a privilege of mine to be able to be in people's homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this.

Honestly, I just want to keep people awake. Or at least give you one joke to go to bed with.

It's something I worry about when I'm working out. I don't want to get too fit. Because I don't want the new DaVinci of this Millennium to say, "You. I have found my muse. I have to sculpt you."

Sometimes in a movie, the lines are so perfect.

At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans said, 'Good!'

George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, 'As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president.' Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act.