If you want to get a pet for your child, I suggest a chicken so that when they get bored of it after a couple of days at least you can have a nice roast dinner.

No one I know is actually so rude as to tell me I've become duller since having children. But I'm sure they think it.

I must be an anorexic because an anorexic looks in the mirror and sees a fat person.

I went on the pill when I was 16, put on four stone... so that proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

My doctor told me I should get out of breath three times a week, so I took up smoking.

When I was a nurse my favourite assignment was the anorexic ward. I sometimes ate as many as seventeen dinners

It is unrealistic to expect an entire profession to be completely good. There are bound to be some individuals who are stressed, who are unkind, who are a bit rubbish at their job, who are in the wrong career.