I read the things that scientists have figured out, and apply what they say is beneficial, but at the end of the day I'm the wrong person to get unchallenged nutritional advice from.

There's a classic story I tell about when I did the Man Show about the retarded conversations that you have with the executive producers and the network.

People for the most part can smell lies.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

I have this thing built into my contract that the club has to put up a sign that says my act "contains the strongest language and material content imaginable," but, believe it or not, I still get complaints. People want you to be what they want you to be. If they see you on TV and that's what they like, they want you to be EXACTLY like that when they see you live. And if you're not, some of them get upset.

People do always try to smoke pot with me. But I think some of those people are cops.

I think it would do a lot of people good just to realize how vulnerable they are.