I'm a nightclub comic. That's what I do. I work in the clubs uncensored because my mind is uncensored, and those are the thoughts that I have. I do the kind of comedy that I would enjoy seeing.

When I started out I was definitely more traditional. It was 1988. Everyone was doing the Jerry Seinfeld.

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

Aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.

Every single religion that has ever been on the face of the Earth, ever, is a cult. That’s all they are.

I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.

If you're dumb enough to do crack, you're supposed to die. It's evolution.