Political correctness is a bit like a granny, a maiden aunt arriving at a party when everyone's having a good time. And she comes in, they all start sort of buttoning up and becoming self-conscious and behaving properly and then when she leaves, you can have fun again.

It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor

I think the problem with people like this is that they are so stupid that they have no idea how stupid they are.

I have a tendency sometimes to get too logical with what I'm writing, just because I want it to be kind of perfect.

If I can get you to laugh with me, you like me better, which makes you open to my ideas

All humour is critical, you know? You make stupid jokes. I mean, stupidity is an infirmity, isn't it?

The English contribution to world cuisine: the chip.