If I ever end up being the kind of person who has one kid and seven bedrooms. Do me a favor and shoot me.

When it works, anticipation is far more fulfilling than surprise, because we are reminded that a sunrise is precisely as magnificent as it is inevitable.

In general, watching children's television is a dark and surreal descent into madness where the characters on the screen talk directly to you.

I'm a bad boyfriend. She's a bad girlfriend. We deserve each other.

Okay, maybe I'm not such a shitty writer. But I can't pull my ideas together, Van Houten. My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations.

I always wondered if there was a purpose to the universe, if there was a plan, if there was some sort of organizing factor, hopefully that I played a role in.

Doing stuff never feels as good as you hope it will feel.