If I ever end up being the kind of person who has one kid and seven bedrooms. Do me a favor and shoot me.

but there was nothing I could do to dim the supernovae exploding inside my brain, an endless chain of intra cranial firecrackers

But once that string gets cut, kid, you can't uncut it. Do you get what I'm saying?

He liked the idea of coffee quite a lot—a warm drink that gave you energy and had been for centuries associated with sophisticates and intellectuals. But coffee itself tasted to him like caffeinated stomach bile.

You can't not like "The Great Gatsby." It's got the best sentences in, like, ever.

But I could always tell in her eyes if she got really pissed at me, and her eyes were still pretty smiley

The Side Effects of Dying in Your Pants isn't really funny… Alright, it's a little funny.