I never stopped feeling abject terror until I got on television and went on a national ad campaign and realized, "I will be able to feed my children. I have somehow averted the destiny that awaited me, which is endless, crippling debt forever."

What I collect? Interesting jobs. Always to my thrill and excitement, but ultimately to my exhaustion, I collect interesting jobs. If an interesting job comes along, I take it; that's why I do so many things. I'm lucky to be able to.

John Wilkes Booth and Lee Harvey Oswald meet in hell and team up to assassinate Satan.

Most people presume my mustache is not real because it's much darker than my regular hair.

Everyone feels like they would love to be a really cool bartender in a really cool bar, but you're still surrounded by people who want to destroy themselves with alcohol. When you look at it that way, it's not that much fun.

I don't wish to brag, but I'm very intelligent.

Everything we make in life, eventually, is sold for a dollar or a penny or given away.