Things don't exist until they exist.

I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.

I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

There's [John Mulaney Show] jokes that I have in stand up that I wouldn't try to put in, I would try to have someone just speak extemporaneously in the middle of a scene about an episode of "Law and Order" or something.

Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.