Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

There's [John Mulaney Show] jokes that I have in stand up that I wouldn't try to put in, I would try to have someone just speak extemporaneously in the middle of a scene about an episode of "Law and Order" or something.

Having done stand-up on television and in stand-up specials for like Comedy Central, you learn quickly that for that type of performance you're playing to the camera.

Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.

I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don't worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you'll be able to make this into an episode of TV.

It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them - especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldnt be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.