Being president looks like the worst job in the world.

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don't worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you'll be able to make this into an episode of TV.

I was new to acting on a stage in a narrative as opposed to acting on a stage as a stand-up. And like everything else it's just like comfort level. The first time I did stand-up I was at a place called the B3 in New York on Third and Avenue B and I not only didn't take the mic out of the stand, but I clutched the stand of the entire time.

Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I'm new in town.

That was an interesting thing I learned I think the first time I did a late night show or something. It was like, "Oh, this is for the camera and a performance that you're giving to the people at home."