I never got along in school really - I already knew what I wanted to do. I have never in my life got a paycheck from anywhere in the world that asked if I went to school.

Catholics have more extreme sex lives because they're taught that pleasure is bad for you. Who thinks it's normal to kneel down to a naked man who's nailed to a cross? It's like a bad leather bar.

I don't like heroin, unless you're a jazz musician and then you have to be on it because jazz is the sound of heroin.

"Family" this and "family" that. If I had a family I'd be furious that moral busybodies are taking the perfectly good word family and using it as a code for censorship the same way "states' rights" was used to disguise racism in the mid-sixties.

Aren't maids the ultimate art critics?

I haven't changed - the public has. I'm an insider now, which is hilarious.

If you're not sure you could love your children, please don't have them, because they might grow up and kill us.