Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

I can't tell you how many times we'll run into a journalist and go, "Boy that's...I wish we could be saying that. That's exactly the way we see it and that's exactly the way we'd like to be saying that." And I always think, "Well, why don't you?"

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.

People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.

Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.