Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.

Stephen Colbert is also then turned into news.

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations.

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?