I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.

Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

Apparently the only thing worse than a terrorist attack, is a gay man stopping it!

I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day and said, "I'm going to sit here in a ball and rock back and forth. And won't you join me for a half hour of sadness."

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.