We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.

The government that governs best, governs best!

If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it's not politics - and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy - but I look at politicians as they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, 'That's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?' But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say, 'Bad monkey.'

You're your own play.

Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.