The election moment is merely the American public saying, "We'd rather you be President than that guy." That's it.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?

People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's that you're brain works in a certain way. And I don't think that that's - I think in some respects it's uncontrollable, and you can either accept it and deal with it and hone it or you can try to fight it. And I was too weak to fight it.

We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.

If you smell something, say something.