If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

If Obama's a tyrant, then he's pretty lame for a tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture? Very few.

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.

Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.