Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

[John McCain] stopped connecting and just looked at my chest and decided, "I'm just gonna continue to talk about honor and duty and the families should be proud," all the things that are cudgels emotionally to keep us from the conversation. But, things that weren't relevant to what we were talking about.

The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back!

I don't want to die before my parents die, especially my mother. Because I think that's tragic. Because I don't want her to get the chance to pick out what I'm going to wear for eternity.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.