Thus, I've created humour.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.

Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.

[President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader.