When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

You're your own play.

Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don't get turd lung disease.

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.

I kid because I'm on basic cable.

Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life.