At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father?

Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

You may be asking yourself, 'Am I the right type of person to go to this rally?' The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to, let's say, just jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of burnable holy books, strapping on a diaper and pointing your car towards D.C. -- that means I think you just might be right for it.

Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten comics doing ten different things. That's not what happens when you go to hear music. There isn't a classical performance followed by a hoedown followed by rap.