On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.

You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.

There is going to come a day when everyone here is going to need keen observation and wit to ridicule George W. Bush. But when that day comes, all we're going to have are tired puns and goofy looks. Because as you would say, we're suffering from the soft bigotry of low expectorations.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts.