If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.

Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after.

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.

Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?