I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

But that hair? That is comedy entrapment. People are not attacking your hair, they are defending themselves from something that appears like it's about to attack them.

The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.

Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts.

I never thought I'd say this, but I miss voter fraud.

We don't consider ourselves equal opportunity anythings, because that's not - you know, that's the beauty of fake journalism. We don't have to - we travel in fake ethics.