Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.

Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once.

Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

Arnold Schwarzenegger campaigned in New York this week, where he stepped up his controversial goal of helping children.... It's all summed up in his campaign slogan, 'Arnold Schwarzenegger: Cutting violence in half with a laser-guided chain gun across a charred landscape - for the children.'