Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.

Yes, it seems that as the President (George W. Bush) comes to the end of his two terms, he's finally realized the best way to get things done for you, is for you to do it.

It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.