When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.

Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Comedy is the only form of entertainment where the audience doesn't know what to expect. In an evening, you might get ten comics doing ten different things. That's not what happens when you go to hear music. There isn't a classical performance followed by a hoedown followed by rap.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it's too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.