Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

I kid because I'm on basic cable.

I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.

I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.