I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

All I'm saying is [John McCain] cannot look a soldier in the eye and say "Questioning the president is less supportive to you than extending your tour three months." You should be coming home to your family.

I want you to admit that there is such a thing as white privilege.

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there’s no guarantee... But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.