No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?

No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

If the president is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival. This is Congress's duty.

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."