No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.

The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom.

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?

Sometimes it's hard to face your own...life.

Don't confuse [Father's Day] with Valentine's Day, and here's why. Boy, will you creep him out. I can just tell you from last year, uh, even if they do like chocolate, they don't want it from their son.

Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.

I can only fight back in a way that I feel like I'm talented.