I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Here it is. My moment of zen.

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.

I kid because I'm on basic cable.