Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

Our show is obviously at a disadvantage with any of the other news shows we're competing against. For one thing, we are fake. They are not. So in terms of credibility, we are ... well, oddly enough we're about even.

When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, "I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty."

I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.

Must be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke doesn't work.

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.