My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

I only find out where countries are when we start bombing them.

Stephen Colbert is also then turned into news.

They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?

If the president is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival. This is Congress's duty.

By working to get away from your circumstance you can make something better of yourself, but there’s no guarantee... But you know what? The joy of it is chasing that dream.

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.