My life is a series of Hollywood orgies and Kabbalah center brunches with the cast of Friends. At least that's what my handlers tell me. I'm actually too valuable to live my own life and spend most of my days in a vegetable crisper to remain fake news anchor fresh.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

It's nice to know that [God] can destroy us in a myriad of ways.

People always say, when did you realize you were funny? And I think it's not that you realize you were funny. It's that you're brain works in a certain way. And I don't think that that's - I think in some respects it's uncontrollable, and you can either accept it and deal with it and hone it or you can try to fight it. And I was too weak to fight it.

It's harder to eat meat when you know the animal's name...I have found.

Models talk to you for six minutes and they're very nice and they say thank you and then it's off to the larger European men they actually have sex with.