When you're obsessive, like me, searching for something unattainable can become unhealthy ... it's like falling through the air and grabbing at the clouds.

My own position is so far on the obsessive side of preparation and professionalism that I fear my point of view is not going to be shared by anyone.

I play with a fear of letting my team down. That's what motivates me.

I refuse to go into a fast-food outlet - to use the toilet even - in case anyone got the wrong idea and thought I was sneaking in a quick burger.

The conversation topic in my head is not what role I should play; it is whether I am going to play at all.

For me now, I will continue to focus ever harder on my goal of being the very best I can be with Toulon Rugby Club and continue to embrace and enjoy wherever that path takes me.

I'm pretty aware that the pursuit of perfection is, inherently, a flawed concept.