If you promise you will get better instead of dying, I promise I will, too.

Did you really JUST fall, Jeffrey? Why does everybody in my family talk in these dramatic CAPITAL LETTERS all the time? Why am I the only calm one?

It was a cheesy cheeseball, covered with Cheez Whiz and served on a bed of Cheez-Its. With a side of queso.

I tucked him in with his stuffed-animal pet dog—cleverly named Dog-Dog, by the way.

Renee was beautiful, but she was my friend now. On the other hand, Annette was my friend, but now she was beautiful. makes about as much sense as anything ever does with girls

There are really no guidelines whatsoever, because this is the kind of thing that only happens to ME.

Not, like, that, boychik, you sound like a herd of elephants charging through a music store.