Everybody in this world wants watching, but nobody more than ourselves.

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.

Fools carry their daggers in their open mouths.

When you do laugh, open your mouth wide enough for the noise to get out without squealing, throw your head back as though you were going to be shaved, hold on to your false hair with both hands and then laugh till your soul gets thoroughly rested.

There's one good thing about tight shoes; they make you forget your other troubles.

Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.

One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can.